coelho

today, one of my friends posted this as her status on facebook:

"Don't be someone that searches, finds and then runs away... "
- Paulo Coelho

how timely. i was searching, (posssibly) found what i was looking for and then i ran away.

tsk tsk.

when will i be brave enough to stop running away...?

rainy night

i met you one rainy night. we talked. we clicked. you walked me to my destination. you told me you loved talking to me. that i'm not like other women who only talk about the frills in life. you held my hand for a brief moment. suggested that we meet again. we talked about where i like to hang out. what i do. what i don't like. we talked about you. simply put: we hit it off. you asked for  my number. you gave me yours. and you asked if you could see me again. i said yes. 

it was nice. yes, it was. 

you sent me a message. i replied. you sent another. i said i'm in the middle of a conversation with my friend. and you sent another message. and i never sent a message back.

you could've been the one. or you could've been another mistake. 

if i had the courage to say it flat out, i would've been able to admit why i never texted you back. but i'm a coward. a coward who has commitment issues. and i could tell that's what you wanted. and it scared me off. 

so maybe someday, if we meet again. under different circumstances. maybe then, i'll be ready. maybe...

hey, you.

i miss you. :( it's funny 'cause you're just right here. still, i do. i do miss you.

you are what you decide

decisions, decisions.

i'm being impulsive and reckless again. takes me back to memories of a year ago. around the same time of the year, maybe 2 weeks earlier. same old snap decision to let go of the only stability i know. same reason if we're basing on the papers i've submitted. but the first one as an excuse. this time for real..

thinking twice for the same pros and cons. moolah being a big factor. this time though, i've got better plans laid out. one that i know will work to my advantage in the long run.

more decisions.

stay? move out? move back home?

if i really want to be practical, it's moving back home that's the best option. but to give up the current freedom i have? i don't think i can deal with that. 8 years of living out of my parent's house means hell if i decide to move back in.

i've crossed out the second option. moving to a diff place is gonna be more costly. and i'll miss 13S. a lot.

so i guess that leaves me with stay. which is really what i want to do. and why i went back to work anyway. but then, i'm gonna need a source of income. for the next 12-18 months. but something that doesn't require real work that eats up all my time. maybe a part-time job that pays well. or at least enough for me to get by. the original plan is to do around 2 hrs of tutorial every day. should be enough for my needs. and will give me more than enough time to do what i have to do. and less stress that will make doing stuff easier. but then. i'll let you in on a little secret. i mean, sure, i love to teach. but do i really have what it takes to teach? i mean to teach as an income generating and as something that i wouldn't quit for the next year or so? another little secret: im not as confident as i seem to be. i know my english is better than some people. but do i have it in me to teach it? am i good enough? are my credentials good enough?

off to jobstreet. maybe i'll find something good. :)

back from jobstreet. did not find anything feasible.

i'll provide more details once i've made the final, final decisions.

karma

they say karma's a bitch. and u say i'm a bitch. well, i guess you're right. 'cause i'm gonna be your karma, baby. :)

let's call them A and B

You ask for my opinion. About B whom everyone thinks you should be with.. And A who you want to be with. And i tell you i'm just here to listen. I'm in no position to give you advice on this matter. And you know i tend to argue for both sides. See, with B everything will be so easy. Everyone will support you on this decision. But then, as you said, no one knows about A. And you think of what-ifs and what-could've-beens. But i just don't have the heart to tell you.. I can't bear to say it to your face.. A might just be in for the ride.

I know you tend to be all-confused. And you tend to overthink the situation.. And i wish you can just go with the flow. But i know you too much.. A hopeless romantic with a devil-may-care attitude. And i know how you get intrigued with uncertainty, with things that you can never really be sure about. But for once, just for once, can you try to not think about this? I  would hate to see you cry. And all for the same reason. It's becoming a vicious cycle and this A and B bullshit looks like one of those lame repeats.

I hope you read this and understand. But part of me wishes you don't. See, my mind is a crazy load of shit. And I'm as fucked up as you are. Maybe because i understand. I've felt your pain. I've seen you when you cry. You may be able to fool everyone else. But i always see right through you. I should. I've been sticking up for you all your life.

life has turned routinary..

no more impromptu drinking sessions.. no more after-shift lunches just because i want to spend time with my friends.. no more spending hours in the mall simply because i don't want to go home yet..

my life has become routinary.. work, go home, promise myself i'll study for my exams but ending up not studying at all because i'm too tired (and still sick)..

waaaah! i really should throw lazy me outside the window and get my ass on a seat right in front of my modules..

hey me! do not be a slacker! do not sleep the hours away! and don't forget to take time to smell the roses! :)

just a friendly reminder from me to me. fyi, i'm not too stressed out. yeah, seriously, I'm NOT! :P