DISCLAIMER: these are posts from my first xanga blog. Posts were made from December 13, 2003 - July 25, 2005. Posts from an 18-just turned 20 year-old me. You are free to laugh at my lovesick, emo, pathetic 18-20 year old self. Keep a barf bag ready. You just might need it. :P
Oh. And I decided to take a snapshot of how this blog looks like. :) Just for the sake of memories. :)
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Monday, 25 July 2005
ok. so i've got a new background. i've changed the default text color.. but i'm not contented.. yet.. well.. whatever.
yesterday was my 20th birthday. and it wasn't really the birthday i planned on having. to start the day, i went to church. pero aun, i was alone sa pagsimba.. 7:30 kc nagsimba sina mama and that was around the time i woke up. so aun.
i got home from the mass at around 10:30. and then my parents left after noon. i did not invite anyone to my birthday. wala naman kasing masyadong handa.. anyone, that is, except for my boyfriend. that was actually the only thing i was looking forward to: spending that special day with him. lalo na dahil nagkabati lang kami from a MAJOR fight the other day.. it was all set. he was going to come with his sister who is actually a friend of mine. but well, their parents did not allow them to come.. ewan ko ba. masyadong strict ang parents nila. kaya ayun. i was so disappointed.. but i did get to spend the last hour of my birthday with him.
sabi nga ni vichelle: "kung hindi siya makakapunta sa 'yo, bakit di na lang ikaw ung pumunta sa kanya?"
hay.. alam ko mahirap tong relationship na pinasok ko.. and there are times that i don't know why i stay in this mess. pero at the end of the day it all comes down to one thing: mahal ko siya. mahirap. pero worth it. as long as i know that he's still here, ok na lahat..
aun nga. kahit sobrang nasasaktan namin ang isat isa minsan, cge lang. cge lang. cge pa rin. especially after this particular message:
may pakialam ako sayo kasi mahal din kita, alam mo naman di ba ang relasyon natin, sana naman huwag mo ipamukha sa akin na wala akong pakialam sayo, ayaw ko sana pero mas maganda kung cooloff muna tayo, wala muna tayong communication, hangat di tumataas ang grade mo wala tayong paguusapan thanks 4 everything, im happy with you you complete my life, im sorry for everything that i've done.
anyway.. this is getting a bit too long. have to fix the layout ulet.. oh well..
Wednesday, 06 July 2005
its been what? almost one and a half year since i last blogged.. haha.. hmm.. this definitely needs a new look.. pity i don't have time right now.. hmmm... dis wikend cguro..a year and a half.. but it definitely feels longer than that.. parang sobrang daming nangyari in that span of time.. i've leaving my teen years in a few weeks.. MAN, I'M OLD! *sigh*
well THE one thing that really haven't changed in that year-and-a-half is my inability to attend all my classes.. i KNOW i really should get that out of my system.. i guess old habits really do die hard.. REALLY HARD..i've got a lot of things in my mind right now.. i so badly wish i could just let it all out. but it's REAL hard to open up. i guess that's really one of the reasons i wanted to go back to blogging.. ang hirap pag kinakanya mo lang lahat.. nakakatakot.. i guess nobody really understands me right now. and it bothers me that its so hard to make people understand. lalo na kung ang hindi makaintindi eh yung taong ineexpect mo na makakaintindi sa yo. it just makes you feel so damn alone. screw it! my life's been heaven and hell rolled into one. shit.how could you make me so damn happy and then make me want to bawl my heart out? i should let go. but i CAN'T. you're everything to me. i'm wrapped up in this emotional yo-yo you've put me in. and you've strapped me so damn hard i can no longer be free..
TELL ME THE ONE SWEET LIE I WANT TO HEAR...
Thursday, 15 January 2004
Currently Reading
The Alchemist: A Fable About Following Your Dream
By Paulo Coelho
see related
been readin' this lately... cool... sometimes i forget to follow my dreams. i become too tied up with the practical way of thinking that i forget how i used to dream big and find ways to make my dreams come true. it's crazy how getting older makes dreams sound like some crap that isn't feasible... or would take too much time and too much risks to achieve.
i should not be afraid to dream big.
i should not be afraid to dream big.
i should not be afraid to dream big.
ok... back to school and and i promised myself that i'll be a good student this year onwards... GOOD STUDENT?! yeah right... i just skipped my calculus class... feelin' guilty... feelin' damn bad... oh well... bad habits are hard to lose in an instant.
missin' home... missing my pc... it's so damn uncomfortable for me to rent in computer centers just like the one i'm in right now...
Wednesday, 31 December 2003
my pc broke down... *sigh* too bad... i'm here in my cousin's house right now... damn! i miss my pc...
Thursday, 25 December 2003
Currently Playing
Fallen
By Evanescence
my immortal
see related
ok... so it's christmas day already but i kinda don't feel the holiday spirit cause i've been in the house all day. it's pretty much an ordinary day for me xcept for several text messages i've received from friends [btw: i think those messages were sent to everyone in their phone book]. haha.
not that i don't appreciate it. I DO. it's just that I won't waste MY LOAD to text everyone i know those forwarded messages [which they have probably received from other people already].
anyweizz... i was chatting on the phone with chast earlier. lemme tell you guys: that girl is crazy!!! [wellz, not as crazy as i am! lolz] we were talking about this bet we made together with sheda and jovelle. and i was reminded that i'm 3 months away to losing that bet... *sigh*
i might as well accept defeat...
Saturday, 20 December 2003
Currently Playing
Shut Up
By Black Eyed Peas
see related
5 days till christmas and my schedule's a bit tight... to the mall with jovelle later today. then off to dance practice tomorrow for miracle's debut... all day man! i probably won't be able to get up the next day. but then, there's another practice on monday and the debut itself is to be held on tuesday.
HO-HO-HO it's already christmas day on thursday! that ought to be fun! (wonder how many presents i'm gonna get this year?! well, i prefer cash. lolz) i really wish christmas break is longer... i just remembered that i've got to do papers for my geography and history class... and i've got to study for my calculus and statistics exam... i've got to get my rest. i feel like my mind's going down lately. it's funny how i'm doing soooo bad with my maths lately... i used to love math. well too bad... i'm failing it now.
i better do some real studying soon...
by Fleming And John
When I saw you at the grocery store you were sharing a shopping cart with her and I couldn't turn and run away I didn't know what to say you introduced us for the first time and I had to look her in the eye but you could not imagine my surprise can't you see you're leaving me for an ugly girl does she talk about politics and all the stuff that used to make me sick does she smoke cigars and stay up late oh she's so great does she tell you what you want to hear and I bet that she can grow a beard I'd feel better thinking you were queer it's not fair I can't compare to an ugly girl ha ha ha the jokes on me I feel jealous and I feel mean is she so nice that it makes up for her face there's no way do you have to keep your eyes closed do you have to keep the lights down low oh I bet you wish you had a blindfold can't you see you're leaving me for an ugly girl
Tuesday, 16 December 2003
chattin with my best friend from 2nd grade... so neat... i hope i see her again someday. it's been 10 LOOONG years since we last saw each other... *sigh* those were the days... sometimes i miss being a child. it's a whole lot easier then... but then i don't think i'll give up all the happy things i'm doin' right now. *sigh* i missed the oblation run. too bad i didn't get to see those naked guys runnin' round the campus... and i've gotta catch up on my statistics and calculus stuff... it's hell crazy. sometimes i wish i were in some other university whose academic expectations were less. it's hard being in the University of the Philippines. people really do expect a lot from you. not that I hate it here. i'm havin a hell of a blast in this so-called premiere state university. sometimes, i just wish things could've been easier. or that i've been blessed with a little more patience with my studies... i've got far too many exams waitin' for me on january. damn! can i make it?
10 days 'till Christmas....
1 day 'till Christmas break...
i think i'm gonna make it after all...
friendster mania all around... i don't know why but i'm so damn into it... maybe because of the thrill i get whenever i see a new friend request or a new testimonial. or on the thrill of having more friends than others. i wasn't really addicted to it till i saw that some bitch i hated at the time had a lot of friends in her list. from that came a stupid quest on having more friends than her... well, i've accomplished that and am now officially hooked. damn! i'm cursed...
a few weeks ago, i found this article in peyups.com... it struck a familiar chord... and made me think of my own chocolate pudding flavored jellybean...
Kuwentong Jelly Beans
by noringaihttp://www.peyups.com
Hinanap ko agad yung chocolate pudding na flavor na nakalagay sa listahan. Lahat ng kulay brown, kinuha ko. Pero hindi chocolate ang lasa ng mga jelly beans na kinain ko. May coffee, may plum, may licorice, may rootbeer… ngunit walang chocolate. Sa kakahanap ng chocolate flavor, hindi ko napapansin ang ibang 48 flavors na nasa garapon. At na-realize ko, ikaw ang the elusive chocolate pudding flavor na jelly bean sa buhay ko.
Hindi ako mahilig sa jelly beans. Pero nung dumating yung jelly beans galing sa sister ng roommate ko, naintriga ako. Isang malaking garapon ng jelly beans na siguro ay mga 1000 ang laman at may 49 flavors. Hinanap ko agad yung chocolate pudding na flavor na nakalagay sa listahan. Lahat ng kulay brown, kinuha ko. Pero hindi chocolate ang lasa ng mga jelly beans na kinain ko. May coffee, may plum, may licorice, may rootbeer… ngunit walang chocolate. Sa kakahanap ng chocolate flavor, hindi ko napapansin ang ibang 48 flavors na nasa garapon. At na-realize ko, ikaw ang the elusive chocolate pudding flavor na jelly bean sa buhay ko.
Na-obsessed ako sa lahat ng kulay brown na jelly beans. Iyong roommate ko, na-explore na yung ibang flavor. May bubble gum flavor, may piña colada, may peanut butter, may sizzling cinnamon, may caramel popcorn. Lahat yun, nasarapan sya. Ako, hindi ko pinapansin ang ibang jelly beans. Naka-tuon ang pansin ko sa brown jelly beans.
Parang ikaw. Sa kakahabol sa iyo, hindi ko na napansin ang ibang lalake sa paligid ko. Masyado akong naka-focus sa yo, kaya napapalampas ko na ang mga matitinong lalake na nagbibigay interes sa akin. Parang yung ibang flavors ng jelly beans na hindi ko natikman dahil ang gusto ko talaga eh yung chocolate pudding.
Iyong roommate ko, natikman na nya ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean. Ang swerte naman niya, natikman nya agad ang flavor na gusto ko. Hindi niya hinahangad, yun pa ang napunta sa kanya. Sabi niya, hindi naman daw masarap ung chocolate pudding na jelly bean. Ordinaryo lang ang lasa. Hindi tulad nung mga favorite nyang flavor. Pinatikim nya sa akin yung toasted marshmallow saka ung strawberry cheesecake, masarap naman. Pero, yung chocolate pudding talaga gusto ko eh. Ganon yata talaga yun. Mas gusto natin yung hindi natin nakukuha.
Nung finally natikman ko ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean, napasigaw ako. At last, nakuha ko rin ang gusto ko. Pero, nung ninamnam ko ang lasa, hindi nga sya masarap. Hindi sya ganun ka fabulous. Parang ordinaryong chocolate lang na pinalambot. Pero ang saya nung feeling na finally, nakuha ko rin yun. Matapos akong mapurga sa licorice at root beer flavors.
Hindi ko pa natitikman ang lahat ng 49 flavors na jelly beans sa garapon. Nangangalahati na ang laman pero chocolate pa rin ang hinahanap ko kapag binubuksan ko ang takip. Fixated pa rin ako sa mga kulay brown na beans, kahit na mas appealing ang pink, violet at blue. Madalas, ibang flavor na nakukuha ko pero kapag sinuswerte, nahahagilap ko rin ang chocolate pudding.
Oo, hindi worth the aggravation ang paghahanap sa chocolate pudding. Hindi worth ang paghahabol ko sa yo. Ordinaryo ka lang naman. Marami pang hihigit sa yo. May mga blueberry o cotton candy o strawberry daiquiri flavors na lalake sa paligid ko pero hindi ko pinapansin. Pero bakit kapag kakain ako ng jelly beans, chocolate pudding pa rin ang hinahanap ko? Bakit kahit na marami naman lalake dyan, ikaw pa rin ang gusto ko?
Hay, siguro dahil sa nakasanayan ko na.
you are that particular elusive chocolate pudding flavored jellybean of my jar... it's crazy how i long for you... when I don't even know how it feels to have you... it's crazy how i yearn for you... when there are a lot more jellybeans in my jar... you're not the least bit better than the rest... you just have my heart.
Saturday, 13 December 2003
damn! i can't get my mind off him! i must've been staring at this blank entry for hours but still, i don't quite know what to write about. i wanted to write 'bout myself but still this bullshit keeps poppin' outta my mind. hell, i hate bein' trapped in these thoughts. i want to forget. be healed. move on.
hell... i can't.
what should i do; what should i say?
how should i act; tell me now, i pray...
i'm so confused, so damn bewildered;
feeling left out, unsure, unconsidered...
i loved you then, i love you still...
but she's got you now; how? please spill.
how did she get into the picture?
when i've worked so hard, so slow, making sure...
now i look at her, i guess she's okay...
but still, i hate her, she took you away.
and though my love for you, in my heart still lingers...
i've got to let go. you're happy. that's what matters...
